Finding Inspiration

As I sit in my family room in the wake of Irene, grateful to have power again after several hours without, I am content. At least, for the moment.

The anxiety has been building as I prepare for the opening of my new studio, Allay Yoga. On a difficult night, just as I am about to fall asleep, a new flood of fearful thoughts rush into my head: did I remember to do this? Will that work? What am I doing? On a good night just as I am about to fall asleep, a new flood of excited thoughts rush into my head: I can't believe my dreams are coming true! I am so lucky to work with such wonderful and supportive people! I can't wait to go to work in the morning! And, of course every night, as the realization that my hampster (as my husband lovingly calls it) is running around my head in circles, comes the personal berating to pull it together, you're opening a yoga studio for goodness sake, if you can't stop your monkey mind, how are you going to help others? 

I have found myself in this cycle, controlled by the "what if's" and the other creations of my overactive mind for several weeks. Knowing and recognizing that it is reasonable given the external circumstances of my life helps, but doesn't make it go away. Deep in the back of my mind, I have known that I needed to make a change, to get back to my core, back to what brought me to yoga in the first place, what made me want to teach and to open a studio where people could come and feel the magic of the practice. I just haven't been able to get there. Until this morning. This morning, I found my inspiration, from the unlikeliest of places (isn't that always the case?)

My grandmother has never done yoga. But, she knows that I am opening a studio and so when she saw this article in her local paper, she took the time to take a closer look. After reading it, she sent me an email explaining that she found it very "interesting and informative" and that she was cutting it out and sending it to me in the mail. So, this morning, on my way back from a long walk with Lola, I stopped by the mailbox, and there it was.

In this article, from a local Princeton, NJ paper,  the author and the teachers she speaks with all convey the same message: The goal is not to focus on where you're going, but instead on where you are. Life (and yoga) is about accepting where you are and what you can do. At one point, the author jokes that, despite her 6 years of practice, she is still afraid to go upside down and consequently, has yet to do headstand. But she expresses her acceptance of being "an imperfect yogi" and conveys the very wise sentiments of her teacher that "you can actually go through your whole life and never do a headstand--and still have a good life."

I know that I'm not alone in that, when life gets hectic, when I embark on new journeys or go through periods of great change, my focus seems to always come back to the future. It can be hard to accept the present for what it is, an impermanent moment in time and yet all that we have. And, even though I can understand, mentally, what is happening and how I am contributing to my own cycle of anxiety it can be very difficult to translate that mental understanding into an emotional one. 

What I learned this morning is that, if I remain open to it, inspiration will come along and reboot my system, clearing the way for action. My yoga practice gives me the tools to know how to act, when I'm ready. It gives me the tools to look at the process and to allow room for self-exploration. But, it doesn't make me immune to anxiety. And it doesn't mean that when anxiety strikes, I'm going to be able to apply an instant antidote. Just as the author of this wonderful article may never do headstand, but now, as a consequence of her practice, accepts this as part of her process and part of her experience, I may always face cycles of anxiety, especially as I am prone to load my plate until it's spilling off the edges, but I can accept that this is just who I am, this is my experience. I can't control what tomorrow will feel like, I can simply know that this moment, whether filled with happiness, anxiety, sadness, or frustration is all that I can deal with in this moment, and that it will not last forever. When I'm ready, inspiration will always come along.